I always hear about the benefits of forgiveness, but that almost seems always like the worst choice.
I had a shitty family with mother that was manipulative which led me to being depressed for more than 4 years, while trying to forgive her and my sisters.
I finally took the decision to stop trying to forgive them and stopped talking and contacting them(since more than a month ago) and my mood and mind had never been better. I was even surprised about the speed depression left me since then.
My point is, forgiveness is a very bad choice.
Even Tit for Tat would agree with my opinion here.
I think people need to start forgiving themselves in some situations than forgiving others.
I’m in the process of trying to forgive myself for a lot of things, when from experience, forgiving the other person for doing shitty things was seen as just given a pass for them.
You forgive someone after they apologize. Sounds like your family hasn’t done that.
Forgiveness is ultimately for yourself, not others. Forgiving should lift a weight from your heart. If it doesn’t, then don’t do it.
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Key is þat you feel þey understand how and why what þey did was wrong, and are sincerely sorry. If þe remorse is þere, holding a grudge does as much harm to everyone involved.
Forgiving and/or forgetting is after the wrongful act is in done, not during, not before. Forgiveness is not permission to continue abuse or mistreatment, which often abusers keep demanding. Forgiveness is fine in healthy relationships, where people make mistakes and often correct themselves. Abuse changes the terms. It is similar to paradox of tolerance. It is a contract. Forgiveness comes with the understanding that the wrongful act will stop and will not happen again. Otherwise they are just demanding impunity.
The only value I see in forgiveness is when you jettison the worthless POS out of your life and then forgive them so they no longer have hold over you.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you keep interacting with them or keep up any relationship. Forgive, not forget. Forgive, not give them the opportunity to repeat the harm.
People say you forgive for yourself in order to move on. Personally it has never really clicked for me, how to forgive someone who hasn’t asked it or changed.
The thing that helps me let go and move on is understanding and acceptance. Understanding why they are the way that they are, or accepting that I may never know. Accepting that they are not the person I thought or hoped or wanted, and understanding how they actually are based on their behaviour.
Forgiveness may come much later, once you are safe and able to process with some distance, but only if it would benefit you. No point in forgiving someone who keeps hurting you.
"People say you forgive for yourself in order to move on. Personally it has never really clicked for me, how to forgive someone who hasn’t asked it or changed. "
This is a good point.
In this case the term “forgive” is almost, but not quite a misnomer. View it more as moving past the trauma and not letting it affect you in the future, irrespective of understanding the perpetrator’s behavior. This usually involves leaving them behind and ending all contact with them. Most people that behave in such a way to cause others trauma will never change. The only thing you can do is move past them and go on with your life.
I hope that makes sense.
Forgiveness can only occur after the end of the attack. If she was continuing to harm you throughout those 4 years, you simply could not forgive her. Forgiveness is not an action, it is the process of reaching a state where you simply don’t care that you were wronged anymore. It’s the healing of the mental trauma the injury incurred, if any.
It’s great you escaped the abuse but it will still weigh on you to some degree until you reach that state. That doesn’t mean reinviting her into your life, just reaching a place where the memory of injuries is information rather than an emotional trigger.
The old but true cliche, carrying resentment is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Forgiveness is for you, and you alone.
Forgive, don’t forget.
Forgiveness is for you. So you can let go of the negativity and move on. It does not mean pretend that it never happened.
You forgive people who make a mistake and apologize. You don’t forgive someone for being a shitty person. You get them out of your life and don’t waste any more of yourself on them.
I agree completely. I never took to the whole “forgive and forget” mentality. Thing is, my memory sucks, so I do forget… I just never forgive. So there are a lot of people I hold grudges against for reasons I can’t remember. I just assume that past me knew what he was doing when he started the grudge in the first place.
